What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 06:59
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
What did i know ?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Have you ever lied to your family? What were the circumstances?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What is your craziest college sex story?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I don,t even have a pension.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He resisted the act ,that day.
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So whats the point in blame.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
What is the best way to keep my vagina clean and fresh?
We all went to grammer schools
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I have no regrets .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
(And it was in our own minds.)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Put me off passion for life!!
She was in good health!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But ive been too sick for many years..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We were not on the streets..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My life is so biszare .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I will be 64.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One cannot live in the past .
I think the readers, may guess!
She found it foreign!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She wouldn,t have been !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Would this be the day?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He knew the spot.
It was going to be , some day.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So, i spoilt her more .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
All the time i was locked up.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was very sick at this time too.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Ive learnt so much.
I was scared of men, in general
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She married twice! .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was 9 years of age.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I write beautiful poetry .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I waited trembling.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im still living with it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I said to her
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Comes on , in middle age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And i lived it daily.
But it wasn’t much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She loved him until the end.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was seconnd youngest,
But, we were locked up after school.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.